Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
