How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
