Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
organizing the empties. That sober.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
