chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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