I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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