I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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