Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize