you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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