People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize