my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
