My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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