Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
