Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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