I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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