My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
