I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
