You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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