im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
how does that bad decision feel?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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