yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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