worst night to have a conscience
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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