Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize