So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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