vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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