i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
