I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
