it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
