we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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