Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
