Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
