i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
