Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm passing your future prison.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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