She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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