I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
