Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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