Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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