Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
