At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
being pregnant is like rehab
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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