is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
