Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
