I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
