Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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