I'm gonna have a badass scar
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
