I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
