The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
