This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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