Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
