Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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