did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
