I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
