Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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