it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
