Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
