Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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