these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
