I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
