Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
