my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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