Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
