conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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