The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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