On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
