I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
