This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Help me help you realize you are a moron
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
