fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sarcasm needs its own font
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's blow job season.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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