I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
